


Life’s A Bitch (And Then You Die 45 Minutes Later)

by velvetjinx



Category: Deadpool (2016), The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl
Genre: Crack, Curses, Friendship, Gen, I blame the caprbb slack chat, Repeated animal death, fairytale tasks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-24 01:52:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13203210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velvetjinx/pseuds/velvetjinx
Summary: Wade Wilson gets cursed by a sorceress to only live for 45 minutes each consecutive life. He’s starting to get pretty ticked off when help comes in the shape of Doreen Green.





	Life’s A Bitch (And Then You Die 45 Minutes Later)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [antigrav_vector](https://archiveofourown.org/users/antigrav_vector/gifts).



> So I saw a poster in the train station saying that one man dies every 45 minutes, and my first thought was “wow, he must be getting pretty sick of that” and then grav made me write this because she’s an awesome enabler. ❤️

Wade Wilson was not exactly the world’s most patient guy at the best of times, but frankly this shit was getting beyond a joke. He was supposed to be unkillable—had been, in fact, until he’d encountered the sorceress Drusilla. 

He hadn’t known she was a sorceress, okay? She was hot, she was alone at a bar, he hit on her in his own charming way (“Hey, gorgeous. You know the only way you could look more beautiful? If you were riding Little Wade…”) and she had given him a narrowed eyed look and cursed him. 

And what a curse. 

Instead of being unable to die, he was unable to stay alive. Or stay dead. 

When the sorceress had cursed him, he’d felt his atoms split apart—which sucked, thanks—and the next thing he knew he was a fucking baby squirrel. Well. He was a baby squirrel for exactly 45 minutes, and then he fell out the nest and a crow got him. 

Suddenly, he was a baby bird, pecking its way out of the egg. “Weird,” Wade thought to himself, but got himself out and chirped with his new brothers and sisters. 

45 minutes later, while momma bird was out getting food, a sparrow hawk swooped down and that was the end of that life. 

The next life, he was a tadpole who 45 minutes later got eaten by a fish. The next, a squirrel again who was caught by a cat. 

Wade stopped counting after the first twenty lives. 

He lost track of days, weeks, months. He’d pretty much worked his way through a good chunk of the animal kingdom, insects, sea creatures, and birds in New York City. The squirrel thing was recurrent, though; every sixty lives or so he was a baby squirrel. For a whole 45 fucking minutes. 

He really hoped that he could get the curse broken, because (a) he was getting really sick of this shit, and (b) he was gonna make millions proving the existence of reincarnation. 

His 25000th-ish life was, again, a squirrel, and as he noticed a cat beginning to climb the tree he was in, he sighed. Fuck, but he’d learned to hate cats. They were responsible for at least fifteen percent of his deaths. 

As the cat readied itself to pounce, he saw a young woman climb the tree nimbly and knock the cat off the branch. The cat landed on all fours on the ground with a hiss, and Wade-the-baby-squirrel stared at the woman. 

46 minutes. 

“Oh my god is this it?” he squeaked. “Is it done?”

The young woman looked at him. “Is what it, little buddy?” she asked. 

Wade’s little squirrel jaw nearly hit the floor. “You can understand me? Oh my god okay so I’m really Wade Wilson and I've been dying every 45 minutes for… I don’t know how long. Please help me!”

“Wade Wilson?” The young woman laughed. “Wade Wilson can’t die. He disappeared two years ago, though, and everybody just figured he retired to Barbados.”

“Two years?” Wade squeaked. “Two fucking years? I’m gonna kill that bitch.”

The young woman looked amused. “You’re a baby squirrel. How are you going to kill anyone?”

“You’ll see! I’ll get her if I have to—to—well I can’t think of anything right now but I’ll get her!”

Wade gestured wildly as he spoke, lost his balance, and fell out the nest. The cat, waiting below, finally got its prey. 

***

He wasn’t a squirrel again for two whole fucking days, and as soon as he was born he squeaked out a frustrated, “Mother _fucker_!”

The mother squirrel stared at him, looking as shocked as a squirrel could possibly look. 

“Wade?” a voice called, and he looked around to see the young woman from before. 

“Oh my god, it’s you! Help me, please, I can’t do this for much longer. Do you have any idea how fucking annoying it is when you only live for 45 minutes each time but you can’t fucking stay dead?”

She nodded, and turned to the mother squirrel, explaining the situation quickly. The mother squirrel looked sad to lose one of her babies, but agreed to let the woman take him away. 

“I figured out what happened!” she told him as she climbed down the tree. “It was the sorceress Drusilla, right?”

Wade squeaked. “How did you know?”

“It has her mark all over it. Besides, you were spotted talking to her before you disappeared. We’re going to see her now.”

“That’s awesome, thank you!” Wade paused. “Hey. What’s your name?”

She grinned at him. “Squirrel Girl. But you can call me Doreen.”

“I love you, Doreen,” Wade wibbled. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

“Aww, I’m not all that,” Doreen said, blushing. 

“You are! Wait, how long have I been alive?”

“Um. 20 minutes?”

“We’d better hurry,” Wade said grimly. “We don’t have much time.”

“Okay. But let me do all the talking, okay?”

Fifteen minutes later, Doreen carried him into a large penthouse apartment, only to be greeted by the sorceress herself. 

“Squirrel Girl, I presume?” Drusilla began, amused. “And you’ve brought one of your familiars. How quaint.”

“He’s not a familiar,” Doreen said abruptly. “He’s Wade Wilson, and we want you to break the curse.”

Drusilla laughed. “And why would I do a thing like that? He deserves what he gets for his filthy presumption.”

“It’s been two years,” Doreen told her patiently. “Don’t you think he’s suffered enough?”

Drusilla looked thoughtful. “Okay. I’ll keep him safe here—put the curse on hold, as it were—but you have to perform some tasks, Squirrel Girl. No mortal has ever been able to do these, so don’t get your hopes up. However, if you can, I’ll break the curse. Okay?”

She held out her hand, and Doreen shook it. “Deal.”

“Don’t I get a say in this?” Wade asked. 

“No,” Doreen and Drusilla said in tandem. 

Wade pouted, but subsided. Usually he’d quip or make some rude comment, but he was really really sick of dying all the time, thanks. 

“First of all, I want you to bring me a full grown tree that will fit in my room,” Drusilla told Doreen lazily. “You have two hours.”

Doreen nodded and sped off, while Wade curled up on the table for a nap. He hadn’t slept in two years, and he was exhausted. 

He was awoken by the sound of the doorbell. “That can’t be her already,” Drusilla murmured, but sure enough, there stood Doreen, a small tree in hand. “That isn’t a full grown tree,” Drusilla scoffed. 

“Yes it is,” Doreen replied with a grin. “It’s a fossilized bonsai tree.”

Drusilla’s eyes narrowed. “Fine. Bring me a sieve full of water. You have one hour.”

Doreen left quickly, and Drusilla smirked. “Let’s see how clever your friend is now,” she said to Wade, who only just stopped himself from making a rude gesture. 

Half an hour later, Doreen arrived, a sieve covered in plastic and full of water in hand. Drusilla looked furious. 

“Where do you want it?” Doreen asked, grinning. 

“You think you’re so clever, don’t you?” Drusilla sneered, snapping her fingers and making the sieve disappear. “Okay, then.” She waved her hands and a pot appeared on the table. There was a large open fireplace filled with ash at one end of the room, and she poured the contents into the ash. “Pick up every lentil from the ashes. You have half an hour.”

Doreen took a deep breath and went to the window, chattering loudly out of it. Five minutes later, there was a knock at the door. When Drusilla opened it, in flooded about a hundred squirrels. On Doreen’s instructions they immediately began to pick through the ashes and throw them into the pot, finishing well ahead of time. 

Drusilla threw her hands in the air. “Fine! Never let it be said that I’m not a fair woman. The curse is lifted.” She waved her hands again, and Wade was suddenly himself again, though a little more naked than he was used to being in public. Doreen squeaked and blushed, looking away. Drusilla snorted, and snapped her fingers. Wade was suddenly dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, though his feet were bare. 

“Hey, thanks, sorceress,” Wade said with a grin. “And if you ever want to take me up on my initial offer you know where to find me.”

Drusilla scowled. “Get out.”

Wade gave her a sloppy salute, then followed Doreen and her hundred squirrels out into the elevator. 

“So, uh, what now?” Doreen asked. 

“I gotta get a new suit, but aside from that—you like chimichangas?”

Doreen grinned.


End file.
